How it takes time

Catherine
letter from consultant CEA blood test is normal

So it’s August 2025. It has been however many days since 26th Feburary 2023 and i still can’t imagine how i’ve come through. The recent letter from the Consultant stating that all is well. Recent blood test is showing ‘normal’. Grateful to all those who are looking out for me in this inbetween time, feeling like i have a target on my back and ringing in my ears of all those people who said it will come back.

How did I come through this? Why did i survive? Can i use this time to take scared and now scarred into making it sacred.

Recently, at Deershed Festival, an absolute riot of lovliness for a weekend, meeting up with friends, having annual chats and hugs, treating guests for the weekend, i managed to work 13 clinic hours. I’ve received some amazing feedback and relished seeing clients leave my tent more upright, smiling faces and brimming with joy.

How is that possible after everything i’ve been through? We will never know, never be able to pinpoint that which made the difference. Many may try, they’ll have their theories, they’ll produce supporting evidence with conviction. Those that embrace me as i am now, those that hold me in their thoughts, hold my gaze with eyes to see the wonder of the world, envelope me in their arms to feel our hearts beating, these are the folks i want to be around, those that have no words, no explanations, just love and kindness. Because that echoes where i am right now.

Words cannot truly explain the extraordinary journey I have walked through my life, most recently in the valley of potential death. Now embracing a life, not full of expectations to achieve, just each day unfurling, bringing joy and wonderment, finding the sacred in every day, in simple activities and achievements.

It took till now

Catherine

Watching the shadows from the early sunshine creep across the golden wicker ottoman, it’s golden studs glistening, our dog softly breathing herself back to sleep, I feel as if this day will be etched in my mind. As did that day in February 2023. It has taken till now to feel like this. There have been other highlights, and many more lows than i could have expected. To be able to celebrate feeling as i am today is truly a tribute to many factors; family, friends, colleagues, consultants and even those people i will never see again, those that have been so very hateful and those that have been wonderfully kind hearted.

Image drawn in 2006, words added 2010, photo taken 2023…sometimes things take the time they take

And now, some two hours later, after searching for a specific image that i wanted to add, many files lighter now deleted and laptop tidied up I return to reflecting. I didn’t find the image I wanted, i know it’s there somewhere but in choosing another and allowing the process of ‘flow’ to remind me to return often to what is most important.

I had plans for today but maybe they will change now. All those things in my mind that made it to the list, will fall into place and be achieved in time. A day of following the flow. A day to celebrate being able to.

I thought it was the effects of grief

Catherine

Emergency surgery and three months of convalescence, I see now it has been so much more.

As I start to reemerge, many insights have visited. Many in the cold of the night, sleepless and shifting under the covers; others at dawn, revelations and realisations gently easing me into the new day. I feel there is much to do now that the emergency of ill health has ceased, and many thoughts to come as to what my practice will be in my returning.

During the last few years, many practitioners now walk different paths, some choosing to retire, others being forced to find other modes of income, many like me who see our ‘work’ as a vocation, there was never a doubt of not returning to clinic. So I know that I can rise again, like a Phoenix out of the ashes, renewed, refreshed with a sharp focus. And the question for me now is How?

One thing I know is that it will be a gentle return, to take the learnings and to go deeper into the unknown aspects of Why ill health manifests for us. There are many factors to be considered and sadly as our health system has other considerations, the psychological aspects of the physical manifestations aren’t readily addressed. I find myself in a period of rehabilitation, with support from associated charities instead.

Until ‘the way’ becomes clear, curating wellbeing events at Deershed in July and then End of the Road in early September will take my attention.