As imperceptible as a small animal track.
In clear sight for those with eyes to see.
In time, with steadfastness, its shape will widen.
Many paths converged.
Spaces reclaimed.
New horizons unbidden.
a way forward
Catherine musings from clinic, downloads from dog walking, doing patchwork, sitting practice – observations from life that might inspire
Travelling with Cancer
The difference between branch line and locomotive train travel. The fear of not knowing
You stand waiting on a platform all alone. You have to travel alone, it’s happening to you, not them. Across from you are well wishers, shouting well meant platitudes, words of wisdom, caring, sharing lived experiences that bear no relation to where you stand yet are heartfelt.
Fear rising, you hope the train approaching isn’t for you. If it is, you at least hope you only travel a few short stops then be able to disembark. These are stories you ve been told. This is the story you imagine
And for a while you do. You recovery, you have time to recoup losses and look to return. Then you find yourself on a different platform, with fewer people standing opposite. Some familiar faces, some new to the crowd, smaller in number, distilled with experience.
But this time you re not so confident. Over the year you’re read about, heard on the news, been told of many who didn’t make it. And this time you can’t bring yourself to think the train fast approaching isn’t a branch line, it’s the intercity locomotive, fast paced and with stops you hadn’t anticipated, little time to consider forward plans. Can you take a break? Make time to catch the next one?
Yet how can you when the voices now holler different tones, diverse and contradictory. And if you choose to stand back from it all, unhearing, it feels too confusing to comprehend
I want to be able to choose. Maybe travel to the next station on foot, after a break to assess, pick up another form of transport, choose the most radical of all, no forward travel for now.
Emotional decompression
As with the actions of divers, to prevent getting the bends, you can rush the process.
Allow
Allow more
Then allow even more until you feel upright again
Stone or Ripple
On reflections. Finding notes written over the years and sharing as a way of further explaining the wonders of being mindful to the how we are being well.
Thoughts come freely when my mind is like a millpond. The profundity all encompassing. I saw a stone and the ripples it created as it sank into the still water of my mind. One suggestion, many outcomes, shorelines of resistance.
Whether we are aware or not, cause and effect is all around us and to becoming aware as a process is part of a medical model millennia old.
Do I need double blind studies? They help in establishing empirical evidence to classify the results to form categories, from which medical models can be set, protocols agreed and referred to.
Do I need to create a new model to bring to my wider community in returning to practice? We could call it something like the Holistic Effect Learning Programme, see what I did there with the acronym.
Or do I, as this morning on a walk with Tess, into the woods, allow the sounds and scents of nature ease me back to my mental millpond. Will I take the learning from my reactions to maintain good relationships, neither reactive stone causing chaos or the passive ripple merely getting out of the way.
And to bring these learnings into each day, to remember the lessons from lockdowns. I didn’t learn a language, perfect fire breathing or now an expert on identifying mushrooms. What I have done is polished off my inner bullshit detector and laughed at when it’s pointing at me.
Passive or Active? What do our bodies need…
I wouldn’t have been their first choice.
To be fair the first client had never had a massage before. I joke and say ‘nice one, I can make it up then’ and joking aside, in a way I always do and that’s part of of the beauty of it all.
The second client wanted it ‘harder the better, I’m used to being beaten up’ – so I smiled and with the greatest respect informed him ‘within my level of professionalism I’ll give you as much elbow as I can’
And the third client of the weekend who had a fundamental shift said they were used to feeling as if they had come out of a car wash, that their body needed that level of physical touch and treatment in order to be effective.
And then this email arrived and now I’m truly humbled…
“Just now sat in the lounge of the b&b we are staying in feeling totally chilled and relaxed enjoying a nice big brew – your treatment was a perfect way to end my much longed for weekend away … and I have to say other than my Mum and Dad spending the day with us yesterday, you have been the best part of my 3 days”
After each session I could see a change in all 3 of them for different reasons. After each session they all said how they felt deeply aware of themselves and how it wasn’t what they thought the treatment was going to be.
And after each session, my heart was lifted to know that ‘holding space’ for such changes to occur is truly a gift I offer to the world, and to help others to find what they are great at too.
And after each clinic, whether that is a full day, a home visit or a weekend retreat, I return to knowing ‘i am’ the therapist i am, I might not seem to be the first choice for many ‘conditions’ are bodies display, yet if as a client you are curious to sink deeper, many marvels can be revealed
It took till now
Watching the shadows from the early sunshine creep across the golden wicker ottoman, it’s golden studs glistening, our dog softly breathing herself back to sleep, I feel as if this day will be etched in my mind. As did that day in February 2023. It has taken till now to feel like this. There have been other highlights, and many more lows than i could have expected. To be able to celebrate feeling as i am today is truly a tribute to many factors; family, friends, colleagues, consultants and even those people i will never see again, those that have been so very hateful and those that have been wonderfully kind hearted.
And now, some two hours later, after searching for a specific image that i wanted to add, many files lighter now deleted and laptop tidied up I return to reflecting. I didn’t find the image I wanted, i know it’s there somewhere but in choosing another and allowing the process of ‘flow’ to remind me to return often to what is most important.
I had plans for today but maybe they will change now. All those things in my mind that made it to the list, will fall into place and be achieved in time. A day of following the flow. A day to celebrate being able to.
This was supposed to be a newsletter for…
Starting 2025 as i mean to go on, showing up for everything i do, bringing it all together and embracing my offerings.
2024 saw me tackling more trials and tribulations yet i’m here, proud of myself and feeling graceful
You’re welcome to read my latest newsletter and you can subscribe too – I only send 2 maximum each month
The more clear you are the clearer it is
Whenever you celebrate, make the day your own.
January Full Moon last night on 25th saw me celebrating Imbolc at our new Full Moon group. No photos to share, no special social media group page – just 6 women coming together, sharing laughter, deep connection and amazing herbal tea. Many will celebrate Imbolc, the turning towards Spring, Candlemas, St Brigid’s day on the evening of 31st or 1st Feb, may you make it your way.
My way this year will be to restart at New Moon, end on Dark Moon, to notice the rhythms, routines which become rituals. Why do we have so many and what do they mean to you? Expressions of our faceted selves, there are many to resonate with, whichever you want.
Think it – Feel it – Live it
Bring to yourself that which you want. So one of my rhythms is to plan, to be purposeful and each month before Dark Moon, after the review time of the moon at Last Quarter, a time to turn towards a bringing it all together, a time to turn away, to prepare for the renewal of New Moon and another cycle within the cycle.
At Yule, from 25th December after the sun had rested for 3 days from the Solstice, until 6th Jan, I took time each day to look back to 2023 and to look forward to 2024. I wrote “will I take this time to prepare for the anniversary of emergency surgery?” Take time to approach the memories well, to release any residue that may remain, to look towards living life post illness with a refreshed purpose.
Renewed in my resolve to welcome all the annual celebrations to come. Lunar celebrations instead of those on the calendar, it’s feeling great so far.
Here are the dates should you wish to notice them too
Full Moon 2024 – Lunar Celebrations
Thurs 25th Jan IMBOLC
Sat 24th Feb
Mon 25th March SPRING EQUINOX
Tues 23rd April BELTANE
Thurs 23rd May
Sat 22nd June SUMMER SOLSTICE
Sunday 21st July LAMMAS
Mon 19th August
Wed 18th September AUTUMN EQUINOX
Thurs 17th Oct SAMHAIN
Friday 15th Nov
Sunday 15th December SOLSTICE
I thought it was the effects of grief
Emergency surgery and three months of convalescence, I see now it has been so much more.
As I start to reemerge, many insights have visited. Many in the cold of the night, sleepless and shifting under the covers; others at dawn, revelations and realisations gently easing me into the new day. I feel there is much to do now that the emergency of ill health has ceased, and many thoughts to come as to what my practice will be in my returning.
During the last few years, many practitioners now walk different paths, some choosing to retire, others being forced to find other modes of income, many like me who see our ‘work’ as a vocation, there was never a doubt of not returning to clinic. So I know that I can rise again, like a Phoenix out of the ashes, renewed, refreshed with a sharp focus. And the question for me now is How?
One thing I know is that it will be a gentle return, to take the learnings and to go deeper into the unknown aspects of Why ill health manifests for us. There are many factors to be considered and sadly as our health system has other considerations, the psychological aspects of the physical manifestations aren’t readily addressed. I find myself in a period of rehabilitation, with support from associated charities instead.
Until ‘the way’ becomes clear, curating wellbeing events at Deershed in July and then End of the Road in early September will take my attention.
Avoiding Tragedy
Can we learn from others misfortunes? Can we avert disaster by being mindful of our actions. Walking downstairs and being conscious of the last step, always, as that was how your mother ripped her achilles tendon the night before a walking holiday in the Lake District.
Each time you put dishes away you’re acutely aware of which upper cupboards you have left open so you don’t bash your head, and then have to sit in your stoic self reliance questioning if you’ll be alright and don’t need medical attention only to have years of discomfort.
Careful to choice different ways of eating with a sense of not overloading your finely balance digestion system with the thought of steering clear of having to wait to hear ‘all clear’ after years of treatment that irreversibly changes your body space after necessary surgery.
And after all that consciousness of action to learn to be passive in light of devastation when it does happen, and to sit with the thoughts that all of those things were never meant for you anyway.
We all have our own tragedies to travel with, we all have our own disasters to detain our progress and to remember the magic moments, of the restarts and the ignitions of inspiration that will surely come again.
And each time you gingerly reach to see if you are on the last step, or manoeuvre yourself away from a potential crisis, smile big and may your heart laugh with recognition of being human.